We have a habit of going too big or too small when it comes to conflict.
Sometimes we treat a sprained ankle like a cardiac event — rushing to emergency interventions, calling in the specialists, mobilizing every resource we have for something that needed rest and a little ice. Sometimes we do the opposite: we walk around on a broken bone for months, telling ourselves it’s fine, just a little sore.
I think about this as a diagnostics problem.
Before I do any kind of mediation, I triage.
What is the scope of the harm we need to repair? What are the impacts that cannot be repaired? Which are the injuries that need immediate attention, and which are the ones that are systemic, chronic, and ongoing?
Not all conflict needs the ER, and not all of it can be handled by slapping a bandage on top.
The ER is for real emergencies — moments where something has ruptured and you need intervention fast — an abuse of power, a layoff, an exit interview that revealed something new. But most conflict moves from triage to needing something else in the hospital. Sometimes we need something surgical, but often we need some rehabilitation and physical therapy. We need the chance to assess slowly, practice new skills gently, and recover over time.
The mismatch costs us in both directions. Over-treating something small can rupture trust, escalate stakes, and turn a simple disagreement into An Incident™️. Under-treating something serious means you’re doing physical therapy on a wound that still needs surgery — trying to build skills on top of unresolved harm, which usually causes its own kind of injury.
Remember: you can’t jump onto a treadmill a few days after major surgery. Rehabilitation takes time, and rest isn’t always gentle. Sometimes, we have to let the conflict cycle complete.
So before you respond to whatever conflict is sitting in your lap right now, ask yourself: what kind of care does this actually need? And are you equipped to offer that, or do you need to call someone in?
Do you need intervention, or do you just need to let this one rest?
The dose is the practice.
