Hi Reader,
In this month’s Conflict Clinic, someone asked me:
“What do we do with the conflicts that are unsolvable?”
I laughed out loud — not because it was the wrong question, but because an unsolvable conflict is exactly what pulled me into this work of conflict midwifery.
Unsolvable conflicts give us the fear that stop us from engaging at all. They interrupt our sleep with nightmares and our days with intrusive thoughts. They teach us powerlessness and hopelessness.
They underscore our fears of abandonment, judgment, ostracization — even our own mortality.
Mine felt “unsolvable” because we refused to solve it. We had no language for the power dynamics shattering the relationship. We couldn’t separate what actually happened from the stories we told ourselves about who we were and what we were trying to do. We offered each other no framework for deeper repair beyond a cursory apology.
We pointed fingers, and we retreated.
That conflict gave me a bone deep curiosity — what if this could all be different?
What if we designed for good conflict, from the beginning?
This month, I’ve held my clients while they wrestle with their own “unsolvable” conflicts. We navigated deep tensions between storytelling, trust, and power — and what it means to be accountable to both individuals and a collective. We talked about the need for real containers — confidentiality not just as a legal shield, but as an invitation and offering. We named the differences between executive power and collective will. And we asked: what does radical imagination look like when we’re hurt, and still here?
Whether we’re navigating a 1:1 mediation, facilitating a senior leadership offsite retreat, or asking questions at a public workshop like the Conflict Clinic, the same questions tend to rise to the surface — again and again, across settings:
- What does safety actually mean here?
- Can we practice curiosity, authorship, and storytelling?
- How is power operating here, consciously and unconsciously?
- What does real repair require? What does refusal feel like in the body?
- What’s your next move when the other person won’t — or can’t — meet you?
And I watched something shift when my clients could name their lived experiences as well as the factual timeline. I celebrated the “…OH” of clarity, when we interrogated which internalized, institutional, or ideological power dynamics were hijacking the conversation. I held my breath over the palpable change when they stopped fighting over language and started asking, “What does that word mean to you?”
Suddenly, the “unsolvable” became workable.
Most conflicts aren't unsolvable — they're under-resourced. We try to navigate complex relational and systemic challenges with tools designed for simple disagreements. We attempt repair without understanding what was actually broken.
But what if we stopped seeing conflict as the end of the road?
What if we allowed the rupture to be a place of redesign?
We can learn to stay grounded in our own authority while remaining genuinely curious about someone else's experience. We can practice grief work when the other person isn't willing to engage in good faith.
What’s the “unsolvable” conflict that’s asking for your attention right now? Hit reply — I read every response.
with care and clarity,
Shivani
ps — 🌀 This is exactly why Conflict Clinic exists: to build the capacity, practice the skills, and redesign the “unsolvable” conflicts. Join us in August?
